anxiety

Anxiety & Sleep

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Sleep and Anxiety. They don’t seem to have the best relationship, especially for me. Anxiety makes my mind race, making everything feel tight, constricting, and uncomfortable. Sleeping is often impossible for me and even when I fall asleep, I wake up early with an overwhelming feeling of dread. Because I’m so bad at sleeping, I get lots of anxiety about not getting enough sleep. Then my anxiety and depression flares up when I’m overtired. It’s a vicious cycle.

Holding it together through the day to day, whilst experiencing nearly constant anxiety, can be extremely tiring. Sometimes just going through the motions is exhausting to the core. It is hard to explain this to someone who has never experienced this kind of anxiety. A few of my good friends and my parents have said that they do not fully understand how I feel, but they try their best to support me.

I’ve always needed more sleep than the average bear – literally! Most people my age, that I know, sleep an average of 6-7 hours of sleep a night. In order to give my body a fighting chance to feel its best, I need at least 8 hours of sleep. 9 hours is optimal. I am almost 35 years old and I’m still hoping to grow out of this need to get so much rest. It’s so difficult in our busy world.

Lack of sleep can cause irritability, irrational thoughts, and mild depression. I am also fuzzy and lightheaded when I have not had enough sleep. I used to drink a lot of coffee back in the day to combat my sleeplessness. However, now I understand that I was ultimately making it harder to sleep by pumping my body full of caffeine. It took awhile to break the caffeine dependency, but now that I have, just a little bit of coffee makes me jump out of my skin!

One of my friends asked me what I do to wake up in the morning without coffee or tea. I shrugged and told her I just woke up. To help my anxiety, I try my best to keep a calm baseline. I do miss the morning buzz, but not taking medication to assist my mental health is important to me, and this is one of the sacrifices I’ve had to make.

 

Sunday Morning Slow Down

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Hello folks — Happy Sunday! I woke up early (5:45am) with my man’s alarm for work. I couldn’t go back to sleep, because I’m stuffed up and feeling anxious/restless. He left around 7am for his 24 shift, and I still haven’t gone back to bed. It’s almost 9am. Maybe I will go back to sleep in a little bit. It’s rainy and grey outside right now, and it would be nice to get some more rest.

Sunday is the day of rest, right? So they say. Whoever ‘they’ are. 😉

What do you do when you want to slow down on Sundays and really relax? Do you nap? Do you exercise? Do you drink? Eat? Be merry? Ha! Anything to distract ourselves from the week ahead. I think that my boss passed on his stupid cold to me. My sinuses feel dry and tickly, and my head feels full of gunk. Yuck! Hopefully I’ll feel better as the day goes on.

Here’s a video of some sandhill cranes in action that my man took. I recommend turning on your sound. Hope you enjoy!

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Tired

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I am tired today. My mind is doing this thing where it berrates me, saying, you can’t possibly be that tired. All you did was go to work, walk a few miles on the beach, and go to yoga a couple times. All you have to worry about is yourself. You don’t even have kids to take care of; can you imagine how tired you’d be then? You don’t even know what tired is. 

But I do know what tired is. Do you know what it’s like to fight through your day like everything is fine? Like your brain isn’t going a mile a minute, telling you what a terrible failure of a human being you are?  It’s hell. Yes there are always worse things, but this is the rather crappy hand I’ve been dealt, and I struggle. And I’m allowed to feel it, this struggle. I’m allowed to feel bad for myself. Just not all the time. I have to feel this feeling and then let it go.

Like most Saturdays, I started the day with yoga at 9:30am, followed by therapy. I cried most of my way through both. This yoga challenge I’m doing on Instagram has made me so frustrated. I was all excited about it and then realized I cannot do any of the poses. And I’ve lost so much strength since last year that even playing around and trying to figure them out has been really hard. Not feeling like much of a yogi in that aspect, and that makes me even more sad.

Let’s move on to something more light hearted, shall we? My Mom made a new friend on her walk this morning. She said his name is Armand. Armand the armadillo. (Yup, she is the reason I am the way that I am). Ha! There are lots of different creatures down here in Florida than there are where I grew up in New England.

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Sharing & Over Sharing

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Here I am, working on sharing and not over sharing. Not even sure what to write about, but here goes… It’s the 3rd of July and my half birthday! The 4th of July is tomorrow, but it’s kind of a non-event here.

Have I mentioned that I miss New England this time of year? The 4th of July celebrations are simply not the same down here in Florida as they are up North. Perhaps because Indepence Day it’s the true start of summer up there, whereas it feels like summer down here pretty much all year round. Or, even more likely, because the 13 original colonies take this holiday a lot more seriously than Floridians do. Rightly so.

I am still not in a very good mood, if I’m honest. I feel like there is a storm brewing in my head. Everyone and everything is annoying. Yes, it’s hormonal, but I feel more restless than I normally do this time of month. I struggle with how much is too much information on here — I’ll start to write something and then backspace, backspace, backspace.

My Mom always taught me not to “air my dirty laundry” and share certain things with others. Staying private is important to her. I think sharing is very helpful in terms of getting oneself through this crazy life. We’re really not better off alone, even though I have felt that way in the past. Sharing has become a powerful coping mechanism for me, but I still am working out the boundaries.

My anxiety always ramps up this time of month, which I’ve heard is fairly common. And while anxiety in general is common, sometimes I feel very misunderstood. I’d love to connect with others who share my beliefs and fears. I’d really like to encourage and be a sounding board for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or just being a woman in this modern world.

While it’s certainly become more acceptable to discuss mental health issues over the past few years, the topic still remains a bit hush hush. In an effort to enlighten the masses on mental health struggles, having poor mental health has become somewhat trendy and glamorized. That’s not what we want either. It feels like we can’t win. We want an openness and understanding — a healthy dialogue.

Oh, I am back on social media and I’ve joined a headstand yoga challenge. However, Facebook and Instagram have been down most of the day today. Bummer! I took a bunch of photos on the beach yesterday, so I’m prepared. I walked almost 4 miles as well, which was delightful. It was thundering and sprinkling when I left work today, otherwise I would’ve gone again.

I flipped over in my headstand and my phone snapped a shot as I was coming down, which looks kind of neat. I ended up covered in sand, though. Oops! Comes with the territory though. 🙂

Love those skimmer birds — they’re so graceful! I always make sure to get out of their way when I’m walking the beach, so they can “get their snack on”, as they say. Ha! I imagine they come up with a mouthful of minnows almost every time. Don’t want to get in the way of their feeding.

Anyway, I don’t think I stayed on any one topic for very long. I am really hoping one of my best friends moves back to Florida and just keep waiting to hear is she will. I have another best friend who lives in NYC and has a home that she rents out down here. But still, I want her back! They both became “forever friends” and then they moved away. Ugh — it’s still good to have them in my lives!

Before I go off on another tangent, I’m going to sign off here. That’s something my Dad would say. 😉

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July holiday! Be safe and have fun!

 

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P.S. My Uncle Bruce came to me again in an Instagram post from the TSA about their security dogs — Fuhgeddaboudit!

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Always A Little Bummed On Sundays

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Ever since I joined the working world, I’ve always felt a little bummed on Sundays. From the moment I get up in the morning until the evening (nights in particular!) I have a pit in my stomach. The anticipation of going back to the office Monday morning, no matter how much I like my job, is always somewhat anxiety inducing for me. I know that I’m not alone in this feeling. You have to physically and mentally prepare for the upcoming week again and have to turn yourself back “on” and plug into the bustle of the week. The weekends go by much too quickly it seems.

This morning, I went to another hot yoga class at the Yoga Shack and it was pretty great — left me feeling awesome and yoga stoned. A wonderful way to begin my Sunday. I did a strong headstand for our 5 breaths of “play” and it made me feel happy. I sweat a ton! My legs got a good workout — I could feel them wanting to give out toward the end. An hour goes by pretty quickly in the studio, though I’m always happy when we’re finished.

Outside, it’s not as nasty as it was yesterday, but it feels like it’s 103 out there and there are lots of clouds. I want to be outside, but it’s unpleasant. Last night we had an exciting evening. Haha – not! The toilet was running and my man figured out what was broken and we rushed to Home Depot before it closed and got the necessary parts to fix it. I’m glad my man is handy and resourceful. That’s a sexy trait. I’m also glad for YouTube videos. 🙂

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Oh! I booked tickets to Boston from the 6th until the 9th in September. One of my best friends from college is getting married in Salem, Massachusetts to the love of her life after 11 years of dating. Traveling gives me a lot of anxiety, but I’ve not seen her in years and I’ll also be seeing a lot of my old friends, so it’s worth the trip. I’ll be staying with another one of my besties in a little Airbnb she rented in Marblehead. We lived together in Mexico and then Peru while we studied abroad in college, so I know it’ll be like old times. Even though we’re old ladies who can’t hang now. Ha!

So, that’s coming up. My bestie will be my date, as my man can’t make it up with work, plus he hasn’t met anyone who will be at the wedding. I’ll miss my dance partner, but also it will be nice not to have to worry about him having a good time. It is what it is. We’ll be celebrating a BIG wedding in a year with my very best friend, at the Madison Beach Club. Just where we both always imagined our weddings would be. It’s not where I see myself getting married anymore, and that’s okay. Life takes us different places, but man I do miss that beach sometimes.

I also get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist anymore. I can go back to that quaint little beach in Connecticut, but it will never feel the same. It’s not the same place that it was when I grew up there in the summers, taking tennis lessons in the morning and sailing lessons in the afternoons. We would spend the whole day at the beach, from breakfast to dinner and our little bodies would get so brown. My heart skips a beat just thinking about those glorious summers as a little girl, the ones where time seemed to slow down and the days lasted forever.

Then in the fall, we would all go back to our “real lives” and dream about the next summer. We even had, up until the last five years, a six month till summer party every year where we would get together for a ski weekend and wear bathing suits over our winter clothes. (Un)fortunately, I have pictures for proof. No, I will not incriminate anyone on this blog. ;P

Do You Ever Feel Stuck?

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Recently it feels like I am coming out of a fog. One that I have been stuck in for awhile. I’m feeling more alive than I have in years. I say that with hesitation, as if by speaking it outloud, I may jinx it. I need to trade the word jinx to manifest. Anyway, I’ve been stuck in indecision and inaction for what feels like forever. This feeling of stuckness has been weighing heavily on me and I’m happy to report I am beginning to feel light again.

Ever since my uncle died, I have been trying to “Live Like Bruce”, meaning embrace whatever life throws at you and keep smiling. It’s a good way to live and using his outlook as my mantra has been helping in lots of ways. It has opened my eyes and forced me to reexamine this little life that I am living. I’ve been trying to live more deliberately, but also doing my best to let go. Not everything has to be dissected and given meaning. Sometimes things simply just are, because they are, and they don’t really mean anything at all. Hope that makes sense. It does in my nonsensical brain anyway. 🙂

Yesterday, during what has become my nearly daily beach walk, I saw an older woman struggling to get out of the water. The surf was pretty rough and the tides were changing, so the waves were pulling on her pretty hard. She was still smiling, though definitely struggling. There were people all around and a even a man in the water next to her, but he didn’t seem to notice. I unhooked my headphones and called out Do you need a hand?

Her smile grew wide as she nodded and reached out her hand for me. We walked a couple steps together until she was on the flat sand. She thanked me and told me she had hurt her knee. I told her no problem. And it wasn’t. Honestly, it made me feel really great to help someone. We’ve all been that person struggling in the water at some point; maybe we should pay more attention to others who may need help but aren’t asking. Just a thought. I do a lot of thinking on these beach walks of mine.

I’ve been reading a lot more lately since I haven’t been going on social media. I bought a book of poetry by Danielle Doby and it’s called I Am Her Tribe. The poems are profound observations of the ordinary and they make my book nerd heart smile. I’m happy that I find so much comfort in words.

I am also tearing through Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle. She writes the way that I think, and I so admire her ability to say exactly what she means. Just like her reviews said, it feels as if she is speaking directly to me. My emotional self has been sobbing my way through this magnificent memoir of her life. I’ve been thinking about the book all day while I was at work. I read nearly half of it last night and want to savor the rest of it.

My man was shaving last night while I was reading in the master bedroom and when he came out of the bathroom, he saw me in bed with red, puffy eyes and tears streaming down my face. He was like, Oh my gosh, what’s wrong? I smiled and told him I am reading a really good book. He looked at me like I’m crazy. Haha, maybe he’s right, but we’re all a little crazy. And it’s more than okay.

Alright, that’s enough for a Tuesday… Hope everyone is having a good week!

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Beach Walk

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So, one of the perks of my current work situation is that I am a very close walk to one of the top beaches in the United States. Siesta Key is less than a 5 minute walk from my office, and I walk there as many days a week as I can, weather permitting. Today, I walked over 5 miles and it was glorious. I am quite tired, especially my feet from the give of the sand. It’s so good for my back, knees, and joints though. Things you have to think about when you’re in your 30’s.

On my beach walks, I usually listen to music and just tune in to the beach. Of course, I also enjoy people watching. I love the feel of the water on my feet and the beauty of the sun on the glistening turquoise water that this beach is famous for. I feel grateful that I live here. It was a choice.

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Do I ever picture myself moving back up North? I honestly don’t think so right now. It’s hard to imagine not raising my potential children at the Madison Beach Club in Connecticut where I grew up, but I don’t think that’s my future anymore. I love this little paradise that I’ve found in Southwest Florida. I am lucky that my parents are here and the man I’ve chosen to share my life with grew up here all his life.

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Walking on the beach allows my mind to wander, in a healthy way. It’s majorly beneficial for my anxiety and I’d love to get to the beach every day. It’s my happy place, above anywhere else. Truly, it wouldn’t be a difficult goal to get to the beach every single day. Can I start a goal mid-way through the year? I think so!

 

Been Awhile…

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Sorry, I’ve been a bit nuts with everything. You know, life. 🙂

I moved in with my boyfriend.

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My parents moved from the condo they owned on Siesta Key for the past 20 years. I got to visit their new home over the weekend and it’s very nice. Quite big for two people, but they say I always have a room there. I am so lucky to have such wonderful parents. They are my friends/soulmates, beyond their parenting role. Being an adopted, only child has made our bond an unique one.

I can only hope to be as nurturing with my future spawn, as they have been with me. I’ve got some big shoes to fill. That’s to say I get blessed with little humans. I’m 34 years old and not getting any more fertile. Haha, sorry, that’s meant to be tongue in cheek and not as pathetic as I maybe made it sound.

ANYWAY….

Moving in with someone after living alone for more than 5 years has been interesting. I like having someone at home, there for me, even if I don’t need them. We can just sit and be together, feeling comfort in just having each other’s company.

I’ve been a bit emotional and have had some anxiety, but it’s understandable. Change is hard for a lot of people, and for some reason it’s a bit harder for me. I am trying, and doing the best I can.

Today, I had to bring my car (2011 Ford Edge), whom I fondly call ‘Henry’, to the dealership. His power brake stopped working and it was under warranty. Now, it’s like the breaks are uber sensitive and I may have given myself whiplash. 😉

More tomorrow, hopefully…

 

My Diet: Spoiler Alert – I Eat Like A Toddler

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I don’t live to eat, I eat to live. I can appreciate good food, but for some reason my appetite has always been fairly small. Don’t get me wrong, I do very much enjoy a good melt cheese on s#%t session (that’s kind of an ‘in’ joke, but hopefully it translates) or ice cream binge, just like pretty much everyone else. However, I keep a very simple diet.

Most mornings during the work week, I usually eat a banana and then half a gluten free bagel with cream cheese and cucumbers. I usually space these out across the morning, so that I am hungry for lunch at 12:30ish.

For lunch, I have either tuna salad (tuna fish with mayo, celery, salt & pepper), tomato, and lettuce on toasted gluten free bread, which I should just switch to straight lettuce. Now that I am writing this all out, I am seeing where I should be cutting out the excess sugar from gluten free products. Boo, this blog post is taking a turn toward the negative.

I don’t like being gluten free. At all. It’s honestly the worst, but my body tells me it’s best. For many years, I was prescribed and took the highest dose of adderall for my height and weight. I went gluten free almost 5 years ago, I felt nearly 100% free of ADHD symptoms. I’m not always diligent, but when I fall off track I really feel the effects and remember why I cut delicious gluten from my life.

At dinner time, I tend to be tired and less disciplined. Sometimes, I’ll just snack and lose track of calories, not that I have ever really counted them.

Favorite Foods:

  • Cheese (all kinds!)
  • Pastas (Macaroni & cheese, please!)
  • Doughy bread (bagels, calzones, pitas, oh my!)
  • Dumplings

Do you see why I don’t like being gluten free? Ugh, I dislike the diet world, too. It’s so in your face. I just ordered some takeaway soup and rice from the local Thai restaurant. It should be here soon!

 

Happy 2019!

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Happy New Year, folks!

It has been a long time, and for that, I apologize. I should get in the habit of writing more, if I intend to reach people, which I do. I have a message that is worth sharing. More than one, I think. Though my focus will be anxiety, for sure. And ADHD, adoption, and now… back/spine health!

On my birthday this year, turning 34, I decided to go to the beach to take pictures for a yoga challenge. Nothing unusual and it was an absolutely beautiful evening. The water down here in Florida has been in the 60’s and we have had red tide. I was taking a few shots down by the water’s edge and then decided to wade in to about ankle deep and do a backbend.

That’s when I heard something pop in my back and I felt it go into spasm immediately.

From there, it has been some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever been in, in my life. For that, I am thankful, because I am certain there is much worse pain to be in. However, there is no denying it was awful. I went to the doctor and he sent me home with three prescriptions — steroids, anti-inflammatory, and muscle relaxants. Also a shot of pain meds and cortisone. Ugh!

After a week, the pain had subsided for the most part, but I was experiencing numbness in my right toes and left leg. It felt like pins and needles and there was definite weakness affiliated with the lack of feeling.

I was told to get an MRI to see what we’re dealing with, and that way we would know what kind of PT I would need. The results showed a herniated disc — I have a large tear and am a candidate for surgery, if I so choose. The plan is to continue with decompression at the chiropractor and then see how I am doing in a month.

Time is not always kind. However, I am very aware of how fragile our health can be.