Anxiety & Sleep

Sleep and Anxiety. They don’t seem to have the best relationship, especially for me. Anxiety makes my mind race, making everything feel tight, constricting, and uncomfortable. Sleeping is often impossible for me and even when I fall asleep, I wake up early with an overwhelming feeling of dread. Because I’m so bad at sleeping, I get lots of anxiety about not getting enough sleep. Then my anxiety and depression flares up when I’m overtired. It’s a vicious cycle.

Holding it together through the day to day, whilst experiencing nearly constant anxiety, can be extremely tiring. Sometimes just going through the motions is exhausting to the core. It is hard to explain this to someone who has never experienced this kind of anxiety. A few of my good friends and my parents have said that they do not fully understand how I feel, but they try their best to support me.

I’ve always needed more sleep than the average bear – literally! Most people my age, that I know, sleep an average of 6-7 hours of sleep a night. In order to give my body a fighting chance to feel its best, I need at least 8 hours of sleep. 9 hours is optimal. I am almost 35 years old and I’m still hoping to grow out of this need to get so much rest. It’s so difficult in our busy world.

Lack of sleep can cause irritability, irrational thoughts, and mild depression. I am also fuzzy and lightheaded when I have not had enough sleep. I used to drink a lot of coffee back in the day to combat my sleeplessness. However, now I understand that I was ultimately making it harder to sleep by pumping my body full of caffeine. It took awhile to break the caffeine dependency, but now that I have, just a little bit of coffee makes me jump out of my skin!

One of my friends asked me what I do to wake up in the morning without coffee or tea. I shrugged and told her I just woke up. To help my anxiety, I try my best to keep a calm baseline. I do miss the morning buzz, but not taking medication to assist my mental health is important to me, and this is one of the sacrifices I’ve had to make.

 

I’m Still Here!

Just haven’t felt like writing lately, if I’m honest. Or if we’re really honest, I’ve felt like writing and simply have been too lazy to do so. These long, hot summer days in Florida will do that to you. Well, they do for me anyway.

It’s September already and there has been a pretty major hurricane sitting off the coast of Florida for what feels like the past decade, but in reality it has been over a week of collective anxiety over the unpredictable path of this storm. Hurricane Dorian has been sitting on top of, and thereby devastated, much of the Bahamas and it’s heartbreaking to see the videos online. My prayers go out to everyone who has been affected by this powerful storm.

We have been trying to make light of this situation by making Hurricane Dorian memes online and buying out all of the bottled water everywhere, despite our recent pledges to consume less plastic. Ugh, it’s terrible.

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Self Love: Are You Getting Yours?

Self love is such a buzzword lately, but for good reason. It is a very important concept and something that I’m not very good at, not even a little bit. Admittedly, I always seem to blur the line between self love and self indulgence. I am also so mean to myself, it’s unbelievable. You wouldn’t think I was ‘such a nice person’ if you heard the way I talk to myself. Negative self talk has always been one of my biggest challenges.

Lately, I am really trying to take better care of myself, starting with the most basic of needs. I’m focusing on treating myself like a child. I need to make sure that I am getting fed healthy food for every meal, that I get adequate rest, and be sure that I find time to play. As an adult, it’s nice if your playtime is form of exercise as well. (That’s why I love yoga:) ). I’ve got to protect myself the best I can in this world; no one else is going to do it for me.

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I got home from work, had a half of an Rx bar because my tummy was rumbling. They fill me up so much! (Here’s a pic for you, if you don’t know what I’m talking about)

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A little bit later, I went for a run. It’s 87 degrees out there today and I am quite sweaty. I was able to run a mile without stopping again. It wasn’t particularly fast, but still feeling pretty good about it. Just hope my knees don’t get angry with me. Yay for getting older! Gotta be careful with all the body parts.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday! Have a great rest of the week! ❤

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Siblings

I am only child and I have always wanted siblings, desperately. Even more so, now that I am older, many of my friends have developed close relationships with their brothers and sisters, and have brought cousins into the mix. It makes me envious, I’ll admit. I have two girlfriends who are like sisters, but at the end of the day, they’re not actually my family. It would be nice to have a built-in friend for life who could share the responsibility of my parents.

With me being adopted when my birth mother was 17 years old, there is a very good chance that I actually do have siblings out there. I am intrigued by this idea. I’d love to simply see some people who share my genetics, finally. The whole nature vs nurture thing will be interesting to see when I meet these potential siblings. I picture sisters for some reason, but I could have brothers. I should really find out, shouldn’t I?

My friend sent me a screenshot of a picture she found on Instagram from a brewing company in Rhode Island, and one of the girls looks exactly like me. It’s super weird! I can tell that she looks similar to me, but also… is that what I look like? My doppelganger for sure!

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Today at work was okay — it was dark and rainy literally ALL day, which is rare for Florida. Usually we get a little sunshine throughout the day. There is a storm system brewing in the Gulf of Mexico and it’s just swirling around down there. It’s supposed to rain most of the week and into the weekend. Yuck!

Yesterday, I went on my first run of 2019. No, I’m not joking. I haven’t run since last year. I had been avoiding it, particularly since hurting my back, but recently I have been wanting to get back into it. I’d love to run some fun 5ks in the near future. I have always enjoyed/slightly dreaded doing running events with friends. My man enjoys them, too. 🙂

So, I wasn’t particularly speedy, but I am in better shape than I thought I was in, so that’s great! The weather was also pretty extreme yesterday– very humid and in the 90’s. I am very glad that I did it and look forward to going for longer and getting faster. The yoga will help with strength and my mind, too.

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Sunday Morning Slow Down

Hello folks — Happy Sunday! I woke up early (5:45am) with my man’s alarm for work. I couldn’t go back to sleep, because I’m stuffed up and feeling anxious/restless. He left around 7am for his 24 shift, and I still haven’t gone back to bed. It’s almost 9am. Maybe I will go back to sleep in a little bit. It’s rainy and grey outside right now, and it would be nice to get some more rest.

Sunday is the day of rest, right? So they say. Whoever ‘they’ are. 😉

What do you do when you want to slow down on Sundays and really relax? Do you nap? Do you exercise? Do you drink? Eat? Be merry? Ha! Anything to distract ourselves from the week ahead. I think that my boss passed on his stupid cold to me. My sinuses feel dry and tickly, and my head feels full of gunk. Yuck! Hopefully I’ll feel better as the day goes on.

Here’s a video of some sandhill cranes in action that my man took. I recommend turning on your sound. Hope you enjoy!

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Tired

I am tired today. My mind is doing this thing where it berrates me, saying, you can’t possibly be that tired. All you did was go to work, walk a few miles on the beach, and go to yoga a couple times. All you have to worry about is yourself. You don’t even have kids to take care of; can you imagine how tired you’d be then? You don’t even know what tired is. 

But I do know what tired is. Do you know what it’s like to fight through your day like everything is fine? Like your brain isn’t going a mile a minute, telling you what a terrible failure of a human being you are?  It’s hell. Yes there are always worse things, but this is the rather crappy hand I’ve been dealt, and I struggle. And I’m allowed to feel it, this struggle. I’m allowed to feel bad for myself. Just not all the time. I have to feel this feeling and then let it go.

Like most Saturdays, I started the day with yoga at 9:30am, followed by therapy. I cried most of my way through both. This yoga challenge I’m doing on Instagram has made me so frustrated. I was all excited about it and then realized I cannot do any of the poses. And I’ve lost so much strength since last year that even playing around and trying to figure them out has been really hard. Not feeling like much of a yogi in that aspect, and that makes me even more sad.

Let’s move on to something more light hearted, shall we? My Mom made a new friend on her walk this morning. She said his name is Armand. Armand the armadillo. (Yup, she is the reason I am the way that I am). Ha! There are lots of different creatures down here in Florida than there are where I grew up in New England.

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Sharing & Over Sharing

Here I am, working on sharing and not over sharing. Not even sure what to write about, but here goes… It’s the 3rd of July and my half birthday! The 4th of July is tomorrow, but it’s kind of a non-event here.

Have I mentioned that I miss New England this time of year? The 4th of July celebrations are simply not the same down here in Florida as they are up North. Perhaps because Indepence Day it’s the true start of summer up there, whereas it feels like summer down here pretty much all year round. Or, even more likely, because the 13 original colonies take this holiday a lot more seriously than Floridians do. Rightly so.

I am still not in a very good mood, if I’m honest. I feel like there is a storm brewing in my head. Everyone and everything is annoying. Yes, it’s hormonal, but I feel more restless than I normally do this time of month. I struggle with how much is too much information on here — I’ll start to write something and then backspace, backspace, backspace.

My Mom always taught me not to “air my dirty laundry” and share certain things with others. Staying private is important to her. I think sharing is very helpful in terms of getting oneself through this crazy life. We’re really not better off alone, even though I have felt that way in the past. Sharing has become a powerful coping mechanism for me, but I still am working out the boundaries.

My anxiety always ramps up this time of month, which I’ve heard is fairly common. And while anxiety in general is common, sometimes I feel very misunderstood. I’d love to connect with others who share my beliefs and fears. I’d really like to encourage and be a sounding board for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or just being a woman in this modern world.

While it’s certainly become more acceptable to discuss mental health issues over the past few years, the topic still remains a bit hush hush. In an effort to enlighten the masses on mental health struggles, having poor mental health has become somewhat trendy and glamorized. That’s not what we want either. It feels like we can’t win. We want an openness and understanding — a healthy dialogue.

Oh, I am back on social media and I’ve joined a headstand yoga challenge. However, Facebook and Instagram have been down most of the day today. Bummer! I took a bunch of photos on the beach yesterday, so I’m prepared. I walked almost 4 miles as well, which was delightful. It was thundering and sprinkling when I left work today, otherwise I would’ve gone again.

I flipped over in my headstand and my phone snapped a shot as I was coming down, which looks kind of neat. I ended up covered in sand, though. Oops! Comes with the territory though. 🙂

Love those skimmer birds — they’re so graceful! I always make sure to get out of their way when I’m walking the beach, so they can “get their snack on”, as they say. Ha! I imagine they come up with a mouthful of minnows almost every time. Don’t want to get in the way of their feeding.

Anyway, I don’t think I stayed on any one topic for very long. I am really hoping one of my best friends moves back to Florida and just keep waiting to hear is she will. I have another best friend who lives in NYC and has a home that she rents out down here. But still, I want her back! They both became “forever friends” and then they moved away. Ugh — it’s still good to have them in my lives!

Before I go off on another tangent, I’m going to sign off here. That’s something my Dad would say. 😉

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July holiday! Be safe and have fun!

 

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P.S. My Uncle Bruce came to me again in an Instagram post from the TSA about their security dogs — Fuhgeddaboudit!

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Monday Mood

I’ve been in a rather unpleasant mood all day today, from the very moment my alarm went off. It’s Monday, but it’s also the first day of July. Not a great attitude to start the month with, so I need to figure out a way to snap out of it real quick. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so cranky and can only think that hormones and the heat are to blame. You’re welcome for that information. Hope you’re doing well!

Today at the office wasn’t so bad I guess — we weren’t terribly busy. Last week was nuts, so I will welcome a day of being able to breathe. I didn’t really feel like walking the beach today after work and I should’ve gone to yoga instead, but I am just plain tired. My body is telling me to rest today. I haven’t had much of an appetite to work out either.

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Oh, I just realized why I’m feeling off! I had gluten (bow tie pasta) on Saturday night and now I’m paying for it. Bummer! But at least I figured it out!

Gluten doesn’t always make me sick to my stomach. And to me, that symptom is actually a more tolerable reaction compared to the brain fog, irritability, and breakouts that I do experience. Occasionally the temptation is too great and I give in and face the consequences. Sometimes I am served food that contains gluten (i.e. pasta) and don’t have a choice but to eat it, without coming off as rude.

People who think that eating gluten free is trendy and annoying are correct to some degree (ha!), but for me it has truly changed my life. I’ll have to write a whole post dedicated to my switch to being gluten free 7 years ago and explain how it has been such a game changer. It didn’t help me lose weight, but it did allow me to completely cut out a stimulant that I had taken for many years for my ADHD. I was shocked that my doctors hadn’t suggested this diet sooner, but this whole mind to gut relationship has only been re-examined in recent years.

I am looking forward to walking the beach again tomorrow. I was looking at some of my pictures from the past couple weeks and I miss these views. They’re so calming and that salty, sandy 3-5 mile walk is so good for every single part of me. The beach will always be my happy place.

 

 

 

Always A Little Bummed On Sundays

Ever since I joined the working world, I’ve always felt a little bummed on Sundays. From the moment I get up in the morning until the evening (nights in particular!) I have a pit in my stomach. The anticipation of going back to the office Monday morning, no matter how much I like my job, is always somewhat anxiety inducing for me. I know that I’m not alone in this feeling. You have to physically and mentally prepare for the upcoming week again and have to turn yourself back “on” and plug into the bustle of the week. The weekends go by much too quickly it seems.

This morning, I went to another hot yoga class at the Yoga Shack and it was pretty great — left me feeling awesome and yoga stoned. A wonderful way to begin my Sunday. I did a strong headstand for our 5 breaths of “play” and it made me feel happy. I sweat a ton! My legs got a good workout — I could feel them wanting to give out toward the end. An hour goes by pretty quickly in the studio, though I’m always happy when we’re finished.

Outside, it’s not as nasty as it was yesterday, but it feels like it’s 103 out there and there are lots of clouds. I want to be outside, but it’s unpleasant. Last night we had an exciting evening. Haha – not! The toilet was running and my man figured out what was broken and we rushed to Home Depot before it closed and got the necessary parts to fix it. I’m glad my man is handy and resourceful. That’s a sexy trait. I’m also glad for YouTube videos. 🙂

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Oh! I booked tickets to Boston from the 6th until the 9th in September. One of my best friends from college is getting married in Salem, Massachusetts to the love of her life after 11 years of dating. Traveling gives me a lot of anxiety, but I’ve not seen her in years and I’ll also be seeing a lot of my old friends, so it’s worth the trip. I’ll be staying with another one of my besties in a little Airbnb she rented in Marblehead. We lived together in Mexico and then Peru while we studied abroad in college, so I know it’ll be like old times. Even though we’re old ladies who can’t hang now. Ha!

So, that’s coming up. My bestie will be my date, as my man can’t make it up with work, plus he hasn’t met anyone who will be at the wedding. I’ll miss my dance partner, but also it will be nice not to have to worry about him having a good time. It is what it is. We’ll be celebrating a BIG wedding in a year with my very best friend, at the Madison Beach Club. Just where we both always imagined our weddings would be. It’s not where I see myself getting married anymore, and that’s okay. Life takes us different places, but man I do miss that beach sometimes.

I also get homesick for a place that doesn’t exist anymore. I can go back to that quaint little beach in Connecticut, but it will never feel the same. It’s not the same place that it was when I grew up there in the summers, taking tennis lessons in the morning and sailing lessons in the afternoons. We would spend the whole day at the beach, from breakfast to dinner and our little bodies would get so brown. My heart skips a beat just thinking about those glorious summers as a little girl, the ones where time seemed to slow down and the days lasted forever.

Then in the fall, we would all go back to our “real lives” and dream about the next summer. We even had, up until the last five years, a six month till summer party every year where we would get together for a ski weekend and wear bathing suits over our winter clothes. (Un)fortunately, I have pictures for proof. No, I will not incriminate anyone on this blog. ;P

Rainy Day Vibes…

Today is Saturday, and it’s dark, gross and rainy. It’s also in the 90’s and will probably do this whole nasty weather thing into the evening. Yuck. I don’t feel like doing anything. Fortunately, I have already started the day with an hour long hot yoga session, and an hour of therapy. I am working really hard on myself — mind, body, and soul– and often it’s exhausting. But it’s okay to be tired on a Saturday. It was a busy week and I deserve to rest.

My man is currently napping on the couch downstairs and I don’t want to disrupt him. I feel like I could nap, too, but mostly I am feeling restless. The things we spoke about in therapy are on my mind, though I’m trying to put them aside and just deal with them next time. I kind of wish I had some wine, but I’ve been trying not to drink ‘just because’ anymore. It wasn’t doing me any favors. Celebrations only, or perhaps not at all.

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This morning’s yoga class felt nice. It was great to see one of my old favorite teachers and another yoga teacher friend, but I didn’t know anyone else who was attending. No one looked familiar. I used to go to the Yoga Shack downtown location — it’s a different crowd at Lakewood Ranch. And there were tons of us, lined up almost mat to mat. The energy was terrific and something I’ve craved and missed. I’ve already got another class booked for the same time tomorrow.

Oh! I’ve heard from my Uncle Bruce a couple times, if you believe in that kind of thing. He is contacting me through his phrase (I mentioned it in my other blog) “Fuhgeddaboudit”, as weird as that sounds. It appeared as a Bitmoji, which if you don’t know what that is, it’s a cartoon you can make to look like you and then your phone designs it to match with fun phrases or moods. Well, I opened my phone the other day to look for one and they had just added a new one. Guess what it said? Fuhgeddaboudit!

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Then this not particularly trendy phrase, appeared again to me in the book I’m reading. After finishing Glennon Doyle’s Love Warrior, I am now reading her other book, Carry On Warrior. On the very first page appeared a phrase, which blew me away. He’s really trying to contact me. My Dad says he is letting us know that he is okay.

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Or I suppose you could just chock it up to whatever that phenomenon is where you start seeing something everywhere. I just Googled it and it’s the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when the more you think about something, the more you start to pay more attention to it, and you start to see it everywhere. I think it’s more than a coincidence, but who knows. Maybe I’ll see it again soon. And if not, Fuhgeddaboudit.

My therapist asked me how I felt about blogging and I said, honestly, kind of stupid because I feel like no one is reading what I’m writing. But, maybe that’s not the point. She asked what deterred me from writing sometimes, and I answered that it was because I wasn’t any good. She then asked me how I could get any better if I don’t keep writing. Kind of a smack you in the forehead obvious observation, but I was doing the opposite. Writing has always been my passion, whether or not I’m “good” at it. So, I’m going to keep going, for myself.

If anyone is reading this, I hope you are having a wonderful day. 🙂 Whether it be rainy or sunny where you are right now, I hope you are doing something that nourishes your mind and body. We’re all doing the best we can (the next best thing, as Glennon Doyle says), even if it’s storming out. I’m trying really hard to put the work in, and it’s uncomfortable and tires me to my core. The point is I’m trying. Writing like this makes me feel exposed and vulnerable, but also hopeful. If I can communicate my feelings through writing, and sort the things that are going on in my head out with my words, then maybe others will feel supported and encouraged to do the same.

Take care!

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