life

Anxiety & Sleep

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Sleep and Anxiety. They don’t seem to have the best relationship, especially for me. Anxiety makes my mind race, making everything feel tight, constricting, and uncomfortable. Sleeping is often impossible for me and even when I fall asleep, I wake up early with an overwhelming feeling of dread. Because I’m so bad at sleeping, I get lots of anxiety about not getting enough sleep. Then my anxiety and depression flares up when I’m overtired. It’s a vicious cycle.

Holding it together through the day to day, whilst experiencing nearly constant anxiety, can be extremely tiring. Sometimes just going through the motions is exhausting to the core. It is hard to explain this to someone who has never experienced this kind of anxiety. A few of my good friends and my parents have said that they do not fully understand how I feel, but they try their best to support me.

I’ve always needed more sleep than the average bear – literally! Most people my age, that I know, sleep an average of 6-7 hours of sleep a night. In order to give my body a fighting chance to feel its best, I need at least 8 hours of sleep. 9 hours is optimal. I am almost 35 years old and I’m still hoping to grow out of this need to get so much rest. It’s so difficult in our busy world.

Lack of sleep can cause irritability, irrational thoughts, and mild depression. I am also fuzzy and lightheaded when I have not had enough sleep. I used to drink a lot of coffee back in the day to combat my sleeplessness. However, now I understand that I was ultimately making it harder to sleep by pumping my body full of caffeine. It took awhile to break the caffeine dependency, but now that I have, just a little bit of coffee makes me jump out of my skin!

One of my friends asked me what I do to wake up in the morning without coffee or tea. I shrugged and told her I just woke up. To help my anxiety, I try my best to keep a calm baseline. I do miss the morning buzz, but not taking medication to assist my mental health is important to me, and this is one of the sacrifices I’ve had to make.

 

Self Love: Are You Getting Yours?

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Self love is such a buzzword lately, but for good reason. It is a very important concept and something that I’m not very good at, not even a little bit. Admittedly, I always seem to blur the line between self love and self indulgence. I am also so mean to myself, it’s unbelievable. You wouldn’t think I was ‘such a nice person’ if you heard the way I talk to myself. Negative self talk has always been one of my biggest challenges.

Lately, I am really trying to take better care of myself, starting with the most basic of needs. I’m focusing on treating myself like a child. I need to make sure that I am getting fed healthy food for every meal, that I get adequate rest, and be sure that I find time to play. As an adult, it’s nice if your playtime is form of exercise as well. (That’s why I love yoga:) ). I’ve got to protect myself the best I can in this world; no one else is going to do it for me.

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I got home from work, had a half of an Rx bar because my tummy was rumbling. They fill me up so much! (Here’s a pic for you, if you don’t know what I’m talking about)

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A little bit later, I went for a run. It’s 87 degrees out there today and I am quite sweaty. I was able to run a mile without stopping again. It wasn’t particularly fast, but still feeling pretty good about it. Just hope my knees don’t get angry with me. Yay for getting older! Gotta be careful with all the body parts.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday! Have a great rest of the week! ❤

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Siblings

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I am only child and I have always wanted siblings, desperately. Even more so, now that I am older, many of my friends have developed close relationships with their brothers and sisters, and have brought cousins into the mix. It makes me envious, I’ll admit. I have two girlfriends who are like sisters, but at the end of the day, they’re not actually my family. It would be nice to have a built-in friend for life who could share the responsibility of my parents.

With me being adopted when my birth mother was 17 years old, there is a very good chance that I actually do have siblings out there. I am intrigued by this idea. I’d love to simply see some people who share my genetics, finally. The whole nature vs nurture thing will be interesting to see when I meet these potential siblings. I picture sisters for some reason, but I could have brothers. I should really find out, shouldn’t I?

My friend sent me a screenshot of a picture she found on Instagram from a brewing company in Rhode Island, and one of the girls looks exactly like me. It’s super weird! I can tell that she looks similar to me, but also… is that what I look like? My doppelganger for sure!

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Today at work was okay — it was dark and rainy literally ALL day, which is rare for Florida. Usually we get a little sunshine throughout the day. There is a storm system brewing in the Gulf of Mexico and it’s just swirling around down there. It’s supposed to rain most of the week and into the weekend. Yuck!

Yesterday, I went on my first run of 2019. No, I’m not joking. I haven’t run since last year. I had been avoiding it, particularly since hurting my back, but recently I have been wanting to get back into it. I’d love to run some fun 5ks in the near future. I have always enjoyed/slightly dreaded doing running events with friends. My man enjoys them, too. 🙂

So, I wasn’t particularly speedy, but I am in better shape than I thought I was in, so that’s great! The weather was also pretty extreme yesterday– very humid and in the 90’s. I am very glad that I did it and look forward to going for longer and getting faster. The yoga will help with strength and my mind, too.

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Sunday Morning Slow Down

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Hello folks — Happy Sunday! I woke up early (5:45am) with my man’s alarm for work. I couldn’t go back to sleep, because I’m stuffed up and feeling anxious/restless. He left around 7am for his 24 shift, and I still haven’t gone back to bed. It’s almost 9am. Maybe I will go back to sleep in a little bit. It’s rainy and grey outside right now, and it would be nice to get some more rest.

Sunday is the day of rest, right? So they say. Whoever ‘they’ are. 😉

What do you do when you want to slow down on Sundays and really relax? Do you nap? Do you exercise? Do you drink? Eat? Be merry? Ha! Anything to distract ourselves from the week ahead. I think that my boss passed on his stupid cold to me. My sinuses feel dry and tickly, and my head feels full of gunk. Yuck! Hopefully I’ll feel better as the day goes on.

Here’s a video of some sandhill cranes in action that my man took. I recommend turning on your sound. Hope you enjoy!

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Tired

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I am tired today. My mind is doing this thing where it berrates me, saying, you can’t possibly be that tired. All you did was go to work, walk a few miles on the beach, and go to yoga a couple times. All you have to worry about is yourself. You don’t even have kids to take care of; can you imagine how tired you’d be then? You don’t even know what tired is. 

But I do know what tired is. Do you know what it’s like to fight through your day like everything is fine? Like your brain isn’t going a mile a minute, telling you what a terrible failure of a human being you are?  It’s hell. Yes there are always worse things, but this is the rather crappy hand I’ve been dealt, and I struggle. And I’m allowed to feel it, this struggle. I’m allowed to feel bad for myself. Just not all the time. I have to feel this feeling and then let it go.

Like most Saturdays, I started the day with yoga at 9:30am, followed by therapy. I cried most of my way through both. This yoga challenge I’m doing on Instagram has made me so frustrated. I was all excited about it and then realized I cannot do any of the poses. And I’ve lost so much strength since last year that even playing around and trying to figure them out has been really hard. Not feeling like much of a yogi in that aspect, and that makes me even more sad.

Let’s move on to something more light hearted, shall we? My Mom made a new friend on her walk this morning. She said his name is Armand. Armand the armadillo. (Yup, she is the reason I am the way that I am). Ha! There are lots of different creatures down here in Florida than there are where I grew up in New England.

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Sharing & Over Sharing

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Here I am, working on sharing and not over sharing. Not even sure what to write about, but here goes… It’s the 3rd of July and my half birthday! The 4th of July is tomorrow, but it’s kind of a non-event here.

Have I mentioned that I miss New England this time of year? The 4th of July celebrations are simply not the same down here in Florida as they are up North. Perhaps because Indepence Day it’s the true start of summer up there, whereas it feels like summer down here pretty much all year round. Or, even more likely, because the 13 original colonies take this holiday a lot more seriously than Floridians do. Rightly so.

I am still not in a very good mood, if I’m honest. I feel like there is a storm brewing in my head. Everyone and everything is annoying. Yes, it’s hormonal, but I feel more restless than I normally do this time of month. I struggle with how much is too much information on here — I’ll start to write something and then backspace, backspace, backspace.

My Mom always taught me not to “air my dirty laundry” and share certain things with others. Staying private is important to her. I think sharing is very helpful in terms of getting oneself through this crazy life. We’re really not better off alone, even though I have felt that way in the past. Sharing has become a powerful coping mechanism for me, but I still am working out the boundaries.

My anxiety always ramps up this time of month, which I’ve heard is fairly common. And while anxiety in general is common, sometimes I feel very misunderstood. I’d love to connect with others who share my beliefs and fears. I’d really like to encourage and be a sounding board for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or just being a woman in this modern world.

While it’s certainly become more acceptable to discuss mental health issues over the past few years, the topic still remains a bit hush hush. In an effort to enlighten the masses on mental health struggles, having poor mental health has become somewhat trendy and glamorized. That’s not what we want either. It feels like we can’t win. We want an openness and understanding — a healthy dialogue.

Oh, I am back on social media and I’ve joined a headstand yoga challenge. However, Facebook and Instagram have been down most of the day today. Bummer! I took a bunch of photos on the beach yesterday, so I’m prepared. I walked almost 4 miles as well, which was delightful. It was thundering and sprinkling when I left work today, otherwise I would’ve gone again.

I flipped over in my headstand and my phone snapped a shot as I was coming down, which looks kind of neat. I ended up covered in sand, though. Oops! Comes with the territory though. 🙂

Love those skimmer birds — they’re so graceful! I always make sure to get out of their way when I’m walking the beach, so they can “get their snack on”, as they say. Ha! I imagine they come up with a mouthful of minnows almost every time. Don’t want to get in the way of their feeding.

Anyway, I don’t think I stayed on any one topic for very long. I am really hoping one of my best friends moves back to Florida and just keep waiting to hear is she will. I have another best friend who lives in NYC and has a home that she rents out down here. But still, I want her back! They both became “forever friends” and then they moved away. Ugh — it’s still good to have them in my lives!

Before I go off on another tangent, I’m going to sign off here. That’s something my Dad would say. 😉

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July holiday! Be safe and have fun!

 

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P.S. My Uncle Bruce came to me again in an Instagram post from the TSA about their security dogs — Fuhgeddaboudit!

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My Adoption Story

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So, I’m just going to get right into it. I was adopted when I was just over 8 weeks old (like a puppy- ha!) by two of the most amazing parents a child could ever ask for, who go above and beyond the call of parent duty for me. They spoiled me silly and made sure that I always felt special and loved. I am so so lucky to have been matched up with them.

For my first few weeks of life, I lived with a foster family. They didn’t expect to have me so long and they fell in love with me. It’s easy to do with babies, and apparently I was a pretty cute and happy one. I slept well, I ate well, and didn’t cry too much. My Mom said I was truly a dream baby. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back and praying if I have children they will also be dream babies. A girl can.. dream. 😉

March 11, 1985 is when I met my parents for the first time. My Mom actually said to my Dad on the car ride there, “What if we don’t like her? Can we give her back? What if she doesn’t like us?” Very honest and legitimate questions. It’s scary to bring life into this world, but somehow almost scarier to adopt a child into your life. But are you really any more prepared to be a parent by carrying the baby in your belly? That’s debatable.

I always knew I was adopted. From when I was a little girl, we celebrated my adoption day every year with a small celebration, just the three of us. I remember feeling weird about being adopted for the first time in grade school when one of our projects was to write out the physical traits we had inherited from each parent and I didn’t know how to fill it in. My Mom had to come in and speak with the teacher.

Thoughts of my birth parents come up every so often. I’ve tried to find them, but our adoption is closed and I am only allowed non-identifying information. This includes general health and wellness, physical descriptions of them at the time of the adoption, and traits, hobbies, and achievements. It’s actually very interesting information that I only got when I was 30 years old. I would have to petition the court in order to release their identifying information and even then it’s not a guarantee.

I don’t want to disrupt the life that she rebuilt after she gave me up for adoption. Hopefully she remarried and had more children, which means that I have siblings. That thought is almost to bizarre for me to conceive. I want to meet the people who share my DNA. I just teared up a little bit thinking about that– wow. Oh, and I have been on 23andme and ancestry.com without any luck.

I have questions for her, and more that have come up recently as I consider potentially bringing a child into the world in the next few years. I wonder if my birth mother held me after she birthed me. Did she snuggle me and speak to me softly, telling me everything was going to be okay, and she’d always love me. Or did she look away as the doctors pulled me from her, not wanting to see? I want to know these things, and I can’t even explain why I want to know them. I would understand either way.

My birth mom made an unbelievably selfless choice and I’d really just like to tell her, Thank You. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

 

Excerpt From My High School Journal*

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For today’s blog posting, I thought maybe some of you might want to read some excerpts from my highschool journal. It has been almost 20 years, so I suppose it’s alright. This was my junior year at boarding school in New England and I had mono, so I couldn’t do sports and had to be pretty low key. Hope you you enjoy!

*Names & places have been changed

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Thursday, September 6, 2001

It’s not bad or good, just kinda different.

Hey Lilly!

I’m back at Westbridgefield and it’s really weird. It’s not bad or good, just kinda different. There are sooo many new kids, it’s crazy. I don’t even feel like I’m at the same school. My friends are pretty much the same though… nothing to complain about there I guess.

My hall is pretty cool and the apartment of four girls is not directly across the hall as I feared. There are two new girls who are nice and I think I might become friends with. Who knows. It’s a new year… Anything can happen.

I’m kinda scared for the workload though. I have a tutor though and my awesome Ritalin. I just feel like this is gonna be a long year.

I miss Charlie like crazy and seeing his old room didn’t help. He barely talks to me online because there is so much going on in his room. He told me hasn’t hooked up with anyone. I’m glad, but I shouldn’t really care, ya know?

So, I saw Blake today and he got hotter over the summer. He looked REALLY good. I didn’t talk to him though… I think it’s too awkward. I saw Sean. It was good to see him. There are a lot of new guys, but I didn’t really get a chance to meet them. I’m not in the mood to meet new people, but basically I have no choice.

I have no idea what to wear tomorrow. Ugh. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Emmy is a cool roommate so far. I hope it lasts, because we definitely fought a lot last year. God, I miss last year. I need to move on from Charlie and get good grades. Yeah, those are my goals.

I don’t have much to say, despite what’s been going on here. Tomorrow classes start. I’m kinda nervous… wish me luck… goodnight! Love, Jules

P.S. Things between Catherine and I are fine… she isn’t mad about anything, which is good!

Friday, September 7, 2001

I feel so anti-social and out of place.

Hello Lilly!

Today was not a good day at all. I’m homesick and sooo not over Charlie. I was reading through all his emails from last year and started crying. I miss and him and what we had together. I don’t like how this year is starting.

Ellie is being attacked by like all the new guys. I’m not really interested in any of the guys and I’m not in the mood to be flirty with them. I feel so anti-social and out of place. I don’t feel like any guys like me. I know that I shouldn’t be concerned with that, but I can’t help it.

Today was such a long day. Seriously, it was insane. I am so bored while everyone is at sports… I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with it all fall. Classes went ok, but I really don’t like my new Spanish teacher. He’s a huge black guy and we can’t speak English in his class. He’s so intimidating.

Plus, Hailey is in both my Spanish and Math class. She was extremely nice to me, but she’s still loud and obnoxious. Oh well, I’m sure I’ll be fine

Anyways, while everyone was at practice I took a shower. Then we had a form dinner, which was good. After that was “Trivia Night”, which was completely boring. My table kinda sucked, too. I saw both Blake and Paul. For some reason, I will always be strangely attracted to them.

Catherine was so mean to me after “Trivia Night”. I was saying hi to Blake and she goes, “He doesn’t like you. I’m just stating the facts. He doesn’t really care.” I thought that was so rude of her and like not her place to say anything. I bet she will dance with him tomorrow night at the dance. Ok, enough anger.

Oh! So there was this guy at my table tonight who was so adorable. His name is Jon and he is a PG {Post Graduate}. He kinda looks like a mix between Paul and Blake (I know, I know…!) He seems really kinda shy though. Whatever.

The new guys are kinda weird. There’s one named Steve, but people call him Stifler, because he looks like the guy in American Pie. He’s funny, but really annoying. I can see him being like Brad. Basically everyone loves him at the beginning and then he crashed. Oh well. Robbie seems pretty cool I guess. God, I can’t remember anyone else’s names, sorry.

There are a lot of really cute new sophomores, but I’m pretty sure they’re off limits… I don’t wanna corrupt. Haha, well maybe I do. J I just want to be more friendly and not think about Charlie. He may still care about me, but being together is just not realistic. Ok, I’m absolutely exhausted now. I’m going to bed soon. Goodnight! Love, Jules

 

 

 

Been Awhile…

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Sorry, I’ve been a bit nuts with everything. You know, life. 🙂

I moved in with my boyfriend.

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My parents moved from the condo they owned on Siesta Key for the past 20 years. I got to visit their new home over the weekend and it’s very nice. Quite big for two people, but they say I always have a room there. I am so lucky to have such wonderful parents. They are my friends/soulmates, beyond their parenting role. Being an adopted, only child has made our bond an unique one.

I can only hope to be as nurturing with my future spawn, as they have been with me. I’ve got some big shoes to fill. That’s to say I get blessed with little humans. I’m 34 years old and not getting any more fertile. Haha, sorry, that’s meant to be tongue in cheek and not as pathetic as I maybe made it sound.

ANYWAY….

Moving in with someone after living alone for more than 5 years has been interesting. I like having someone at home, there for me, even if I don’t need them. We can just sit and be together, feeling comfort in just having each other’s company.

I’ve been a bit emotional and have had some anxiety, but it’s understandable. Change is hard for a lot of people, and for some reason it’s a bit harder for me. I am trying, and doing the best I can.

Today, I had to bring my car (2011 Ford Edge), whom I fondly call ‘Henry’, to the dealership. His power brake stopped working and it was under warranty. Now, it’s like the breaks are uber sensitive and I may have given myself whiplash. 😉

More tomorrow, hopefully…

 

It Feels It Should’ve Been The Weekend Yesterday

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Oh, it has been a week. I am glad, as always that we are coasting into the weekend soon.

I went to visit my 98 year old grandmother yesterday, and it was grim. She told me, “I have totally lost it.”

That makes me feel a little sick. She’s lived a long life. More years than many can even hope for, although I don’t hope to get quite that old. She has seen a lot of change over her almost century of living. It’s wild to think about, really.

Today at work, I was the only one there with my crazy engineer boss. I use that term fondly! Fortunately I ended up having a decent amount of work to keep me busy most of the day. And now, I am thinking of going to bed at a decent hour, so I can wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. Blah!

Trying to be optimistic. Well, for one thing it’s warm in Florida compared to up North. It was in the high 60’s today, which is chilly for here, but so much better than the polar vortex.

I remember walking my dog in Upstate New York and finding it difficult to breathe in -20 degree weather. It was frightening, because I feared that I may pass out from lack of oxygen. No thank you.

So, anyway, I am about to eat some foods (too late!) and then get my sleep on. Woo!

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