Tired

I am tired today. My mind is doing this thing where it berrates me, saying, you can’t possibly be that tired. All you did was go to work, walk a few miles on the beach, and go to yoga a couple times. All you have to worry about is yourself. You don’t even have kids to take care of; can you imagine how tired you’d be then? You don’t even know what tired is. 

But I do know what tired is. Do you know what it’s like to fight through your day like everything is fine? Like your brain isn’t going a mile a minute, telling you what a terrible failure of a human being you are?  It’s hell. Yes there are always worse things, but this is the rather crappy hand I’ve been dealt, and I struggle. And I’m allowed to feel it, this struggle. I’m allowed to feel bad for myself. Just not all the time. I have to feel this feeling and then let it go.

Like most Saturdays, I started the day with yoga at 9:30am, followed by therapy. I cried most of my way through both. This yoga challenge I’m doing on Instagram has made me so frustrated. I was all excited about it and then realized I cannot do any of the poses. And I’ve lost so much strength since last year that even playing around and trying to figure them out has been really hard. Not feeling like much of a yogi in that aspect, and that makes me even more sad.

Let’s move on to something more light hearted, shall we? My Mom made a new friend on her walk this morning. She said his name is Armand. Armand the armadillo. (Yup, she is the reason I am the way that I am). Ha! There are lots of different creatures down here in Florida than there are where I grew up in New England.

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Sharing & Over Sharing

Here I am, working on sharing and not over sharing. Not even sure what to write about, but here goes… It’s the 3rd of July and my half birthday! The 4th of July is tomorrow, but it’s kind of a non-event here.

Have I mentioned that I miss New England this time of year? The 4th of July celebrations are simply not the same down here in Florida as they are up North. Perhaps because Indepence Day it’s the true start of summer up there, whereas it feels like summer down here pretty much all year round. Or, even more likely, because the 13 original colonies take this holiday a lot more seriously than Floridians do. Rightly so.

I am still not in a very good mood, if I’m honest. I feel like there is a storm brewing in my head. Everyone and everything is annoying. Yes, it’s hormonal, but I feel more restless than I normally do this time of month. I struggle with how much is too much information on here — I’ll start to write something and then backspace, backspace, backspace.

My Mom always taught me not to “air my dirty laundry” and share certain things with others. Staying private is important to her. I think sharing is very helpful in terms of getting oneself through this crazy life. We’re really not better off alone, even though I have felt that way in the past. Sharing has become a powerful coping mechanism for me, but I still am working out the boundaries.

My anxiety always ramps up this time of month, which I’ve heard is fairly common. And while anxiety in general is common, sometimes I feel very misunderstood. I’d love to connect with others who share my beliefs and fears. I’d really like to encourage and be a sounding board for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or just being a woman in this modern world.

While it’s certainly become more acceptable to discuss mental health issues over the past few years, the topic still remains a bit hush hush. In an effort to enlighten the masses on mental health struggles, having poor mental health has become somewhat trendy and glamorized. That’s not what we want either. It feels like we can’t win. We want an openness and understanding — a healthy dialogue.

Oh, I am back on social media and I’ve joined a headstand yoga challenge. However, Facebook and Instagram have been down most of the day today. Bummer! I took a bunch of photos on the beach yesterday, so I’m prepared. I walked almost 4 miles as well, which was delightful. It was thundering and sprinkling when I left work today, otherwise I would’ve gone again.

I flipped over in my headstand and my phone snapped a shot as I was coming down, which looks kind of neat. I ended up covered in sand, though. Oops! Comes with the territory though. 🙂

Love those skimmer birds — they’re so graceful! I always make sure to get out of their way when I’m walking the beach, so they can “get their snack on”, as they say. Ha! I imagine they come up with a mouthful of minnows almost every time. Don’t want to get in the way of their feeding.

Anyway, I don’t think I stayed on any one topic for very long. I am really hoping one of my best friends moves back to Florida and just keep waiting to hear is she will. I have another best friend who lives in NYC and has a home that she rents out down here. But still, I want her back! They both became “forever friends” and then they moved away. Ugh — it’s still good to have them in my lives!

Before I go off on another tangent, I’m going to sign off here. That’s something my Dad would say. 😉

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July holiday! Be safe and have fun!

 

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P.S. My Uncle Bruce came to me again in an Instagram post from the TSA about their security dogs — Fuhgeddaboudit!

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Monday Mood

I’ve been in a rather unpleasant mood all day today, from the very moment my alarm went off. It’s Monday, but it’s also the first day of July. Not a great attitude to start the month with, so I need to figure out a way to snap out of it real quick. I’m not exactly sure why I’m so cranky and can only think that hormones and the heat are to blame. You’re welcome for that information. Hope you’re doing well!

Today at the office wasn’t so bad I guess — we weren’t terribly busy. Last week was nuts, so I will welcome a day of being able to breathe. I didn’t really feel like walking the beach today after work and I should’ve gone to yoga instead, but I am just plain tired. My body is telling me to rest today. I haven’t had much of an appetite to work out either.

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Oh, I just realized why I’m feeling off! I had gluten (bow tie pasta) on Saturday night and now I’m paying for it. Bummer! But at least I figured it out!

Gluten doesn’t always make me sick to my stomach. And to me, that symptom is actually a more tolerable reaction compared to the brain fog, irritability, and breakouts that I do experience. Occasionally the temptation is too great and I give in and face the consequences. Sometimes I am served food that contains gluten (i.e. pasta) and don’t have a choice but to eat it, without coming off as rude.

People who think that eating gluten free is trendy and annoying are correct to some degree (ha!), but for me it has truly changed my life. I’ll have to write a whole post dedicated to my switch to being gluten free 7 years ago and explain how it has been such a game changer. It didn’t help me lose weight, but it did allow me to completely cut out a stimulant that I had taken for many years for my ADHD. I was shocked that my doctors hadn’t suggested this diet sooner, but this whole mind to gut relationship has only been re-examined in recent years.

I am looking forward to walking the beach again tomorrow. I was looking at some of my pictures from the past couple weeks and I miss these views. They’re so calming and that salty, sandy 3-5 mile walk is so good for every single part of me. The beach will always be my happy place.

 

 

 

My Diet: Spoiler Alert – I Eat Like A Toddler

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I don’t live to eat, I eat to live. I can appreciate good food, but for some reason my appetite has always been fairly small. Don’t get me wrong, I do very much enjoy a good melt cheese on s#%t session (that’s kind of an ‘in’ joke, but hopefully it translates) or ice cream binge, just like pretty much everyone else. However, I keep a very simple diet.

Most mornings during the work week, I usually eat a banana and then half a gluten free bagel with cream cheese and cucumbers. I usually space these out across the morning, so that I am hungry for lunch at 12:30ish.

For lunch, I have either tuna salad (tuna fish with mayo, celery, salt & pepper), tomato, and lettuce on toasted gluten free bread, which I should just switch to straight lettuce. Now that I am writing this all out, I am seeing where I should be cutting out the excess sugar from gluten free products. Boo, this blog post is taking a turn toward the negative.

I don’t like being gluten free. At all. It’s honestly the worst, but my body tells me it’s best. For many years, I was prescribed and took the highest dose of adderall for my height and weight. I went gluten free almost 5 years ago, I felt nearly 100% free of ADHD symptoms. I’m not always diligent, but when I fall off track I really feel the effects and remember why I cut delicious gluten from my life.

At dinner time, I tend to be tired and less disciplined. Sometimes, I’ll just snack and lose track of calories, not that I have ever really counted them.

Favorite Foods:

  • Cheese (all kinds!)
  • Pastas (Macaroni & cheese, please!)
  • Doughy bread (bagels, calzones, pitas, oh my!)
  • Dumplings

Do you see why I don’t like being gluten free? Ugh, I dislike the diet world, too. It’s so in your face. I just ordered some takeaway soup and rice from the local Thai restaurant. It should be here soon!

 

Happy 2019!

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Happy New Year, folks!

It has been a long time, and for that, I apologize. I should get in the habit of writing more, if I intend to reach people, which I do. I have a message that is worth sharing. More than one, I think. Though my focus will be anxiety, for sure. And ADHD, adoption, and now… back/spine health!

On my birthday this year, turning 34, I decided to go to the beach to take pictures for a yoga challenge. Nothing unusual and it was an absolutely beautiful evening. The water down here in Florida has been in the 60’s and we have had red tide. I was taking a few shots down by the water’s edge and then decided to wade in to about ankle deep and do a backbend.

That’s when I heard something pop in my back and I felt it go into spasm immediately.

From there, it has been some of the most excruciating pain I’ve ever been in, in my life. For that, I am thankful, because I am certain there is much worse pain to be in. However, there is no denying it was awful. I went to the doctor and he sent me home with three prescriptions — steroids, anti-inflammatory, and muscle relaxants. Also a shot of pain meds and cortisone. Ugh!

After a week, the pain had subsided for the most part, but I was experiencing numbness in my right toes and left leg. It felt like pins and needles and there was definite weakness affiliated with the lack of feeling.

I was told to get an MRI to see what we’re dealing with, and that way we would know what kind of PT I would need. The results showed a herniated disc — I have a large tear and am a candidate for surgery, if I so choose. The plan is to continue with decompression at the chiropractor and then see how I am doing in a month.

Time is not always kind. However, I am very aware of how fragile our health can be.

Fabulous Filthy(?) Friday…

Thank goodness it is the end of the week — I feel like I say that every week, but it’s always true! One might suggest that means I need to make some changes in my work life. The Sunday scaries aren’t horrible, so I know I’m not at toxic level… yet.

Speaking of toxic… I have some serious cleaning to do in my apartment. It is embarrassing how bad I let it get, but it is what it is. I’ll do what I can to clean it up before maintenance comes to replace my fire sprinklers. (Meaning they will be spending extended time in my apartment). And they will be here on Monday!

I have to clean the bathroom, mop floors, vacuum, do something about ALL THE LAUNDRY and clean clothes I have piled around. And I need to throw out a ton of trash. It’s awful, I’ll admit it. Over time, I’ve made quite a job for myself. Hoping to get it all done tomorrow.

Don’t worry, I do see a therapist and my parents know what a slob I am. It’s something I need to work on by having a place for everything, as well as cleaning up as I go. My ADHD prevents me from doing so, but perhaps that’s just an excuse for being lazy.

However, when I used to take medication for attention deficit disorder, I was almost anally neat. Since I went gluten free, I realize I do not need a prescription to concentrate. That’s only if I strictly refrain from eating wheat flour, which is hard to do for me. Guh, I love bread – garlic, cheesy, stuffed, twisted, a delicious sandwich, and on and on and on. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. But, I gave it all up (mostly) for my mental health.

Maybe I’m messy, but I’m getting by, just like you. Just like everybody else.

So, what are you doing for the weekend?

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