love

Self Love: Are You Getting Yours?

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

Self love is such a buzzword lately, but for good reason. It is a very important concept and something that I’m not very good at, not even a little bit. Admittedly, I always seem to blur the line between self love and self indulgence. I am also so mean to myself, it’s unbelievable. You wouldn’t think I was ‘such a nice person’ if you heard the way I talk to myself. Negative self talk has always been one of my biggest challenges.

Lately, I am really trying to take better care of myself, starting with the most basic of needs. I’m focusing on treating myself like a child. I need to make sure that I am getting fed healthy food for every meal, that I get adequate rest, and be sure that I find time to play. As an adult, it’s nice if your playtime is form of exercise as well. (That’s why I love yoga:) ). I’ve got to protect myself the best I can in this world; no one else is going to do it for me.

IMG_5258

I got home from work, had a half of an Rx bar because my tummy was rumbling. They fill me up so much! (Here’s a pic for you, if you don’t know what I’m talking about)

IMG_9551

A little bit later, I went for a run. It’s 87 degrees out there today and I am quite sweaty. I was able to run a mile without stopping again. It wasn’t particularly fast, but still feeling pretty good about it. Just hope my knees don’t get angry with me. Yay for getting older! Gotta be careful with all the body parts.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday! Have a great rest of the week! ❤

IMG_9540

Tired

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

I am tired today. My mind is doing this thing where it berrates me, saying, you can’t possibly be that tired. All you did was go to work, walk a few miles on the beach, and go to yoga a couple times. All you have to worry about is yourself. You don’t even have kids to take care of; can you imagine how tired you’d be then? You don’t even know what tired is. 

But I do know what tired is. Do you know what it’s like to fight through your day like everything is fine? Like your brain isn’t going a mile a minute, telling you what a terrible failure of a human being you are?  It’s hell. Yes there are always worse things, but this is the rather crappy hand I’ve been dealt, and I struggle. And I’m allowed to feel it, this struggle. I’m allowed to feel bad for myself. Just not all the time. I have to feel this feeling and then let it go.

Like most Saturdays, I started the day with yoga at 9:30am, followed by therapy. I cried most of my way through both. This yoga challenge I’m doing on Instagram has made me so frustrated. I was all excited about it and then realized I cannot do any of the poses. And I’ve lost so much strength since last year that even playing around and trying to figure them out has been really hard. Not feeling like much of a yogi in that aspect, and that makes me even more sad.

Let’s move on to something more light hearted, shall we? My Mom made a new friend on her walk this morning. She said his name is Armand. Armand the armadillo. (Yup, she is the reason I am the way that I am). Ha! There are lots of different creatures down here in Florida than there are where I grew up in New England.

IMG_2338

Sharing & Over Sharing

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

Here I am, working on sharing and not over sharing. Not even sure what to write about, but here goes… It’s the 3rd of July and my half birthday! The 4th of July is tomorrow, but it’s kind of a non-event here.

Have I mentioned that I miss New England this time of year? The 4th of July celebrations are simply not the same down here in Florida as they are up North. Perhaps because Indepence Day it’s the true start of summer up there, whereas it feels like summer down here pretty much all year round. Or, even more likely, because the 13 original colonies take this holiday a lot more seriously than Floridians do. Rightly so.

I am still not in a very good mood, if I’m honest. I feel like there is a storm brewing in my head. Everyone and everything is annoying. Yes, it’s hormonal, but I feel more restless than I normally do this time of month. I struggle with how much is too much information on here — I’ll start to write something and then backspace, backspace, backspace.

My Mom always taught me not to “air my dirty laundry” and share certain things with others. Staying private is important to her. I think sharing is very helpful in terms of getting oneself through this crazy life. We’re really not better off alone, even though I have felt that way in the past. Sharing has become a powerful coping mechanism for me, but I still am working out the boundaries.

My anxiety always ramps up this time of month, which I’ve heard is fairly common. And while anxiety in general is common, sometimes I feel very misunderstood. I’d love to connect with others who share my beliefs and fears. I’d really like to encourage and be a sounding board for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, ADHD, or just being a woman in this modern world.

While it’s certainly become more acceptable to discuss mental health issues over the past few years, the topic still remains a bit hush hush. In an effort to enlighten the masses on mental health struggles, having poor mental health has become somewhat trendy and glamorized. That’s not what we want either. It feels like we can’t win. We want an openness and understanding — a healthy dialogue.

Oh, I am back on social media and I’ve joined a headstand yoga challenge. However, Facebook and Instagram have been down most of the day today. Bummer! I took a bunch of photos on the beach yesterday, so I’m prepared. I walked almost 4 miles as well, which was delightful. It was thundering and sprinkling when I left work today, otherwise I would’ve gone again.

I flipped over in my headstand and my phone snapped a shot as I was coming down, which looks kind of neat. I ended up covered in sand, though. Oops! Comes with the territory though. 🙂

Love those skimmer birds — they’re so graceful! I always make sure to get out of their way when I’m walking the beach, so they can “get their snack on”, as they say. Ha! I imagine they come up with a mouthful of minnows almost every time. Don’t want to get in the way of their feeding.

Anyway, I don’t think I stayed on any one topic for very long. I am really hoping one of my best friends moves back to Florida and just keep waiting to hear is she will. I have another best friend who lives in NYC and has a home that she rents out down here. But still, I want her back! They both became “forever friends” and then they moved away. Ugh — it’s still good to have them in my lives!

Before I go off on another tangent, I’m going to sign off here. That’s something my Dad would say. 😉

Hope everyone has a wonderful 4th of July holiday! Be safe and have fun!

 

IMG_9393

 

P.S. My Uncle Bruce came to me again in an Instagram post from the TSA about their security dogs — Fuhgeddaboudit!

FullSizeRender.jpeg

Rainy Day Vibes…

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

Today is Saturday, and it’s dark, gross and rainy. It’s also in the 90’s and will probably do this whole nasty weather thing into the evening. Yuck. I don’t feel like doing anything. Fortunately, I have already started the day with an hour long hot yoga session, and an hour of therapy. I am working really hard on myself — mind, body, and soul– and often it’s exhausting. But it’s okay to be tired on a Saturday. It was a busy week and I deserve to rest.

My man is currently napping on the couch downstairs and I don’t want to disrupt him. I feel like I could nap, too, but mostly I am feeling restless. The things we spoke about in therapy are on my mind, though I’m trying to put them aside and just deal with them next time. I kind of wish I had some wine, but I’ve been trying not to drink ‘just because’ anymore. It wasn’t doing me any favors. Celebrations only, or perhaps not at all.

IMG_9327.jpeg

This morning’s yoga class felt nice. It was great to see one of my old favorite teachers and another yoga teacher friend, but I didn’t know anyone else who was attending. No one looked familiar. I used to go to the Yoga Shack downtown location — it’s a different crowd at Lakewood Ranch. And there were tons of us, lined up almost mat to mat. The energy was terrific and something I’ve craved and missed. I’ve already got another class booked for the same time tomorrow.

Oh! I’ve heard from my Uncle Bruce a couple times, if you believe in that kind of thing. He is contacting me through his phrase (I mentioned it in my other blog) “Fuhgeddaboudit”, as weird as that sounds. It appeared as a Bitmoji, which if you don’t know what that is, it’s a cartoon you can make to look like you and then your phone designs it to match with fun phrases or moods. Well, I opened my phone the other day to look for one and they had just added a new one. Guess what it said? Fuhgeddaboudit!

IMG_6385

Then this not particularly trendy phrase, appeared again to me in the book I’m reading. After finishing Glennon Doyle’s Love Warrior, I am now reading her other book, Carry On Warrior. On the very first page appeared a phrase, which blew me away. He’s really trying to contact me. My Dad says he is letting us know that he is okay.

RenderedImage-1

Or I suppose you could just chock it up to whatever that phenomenon is where you start seeing something everywhere. I just Googled it and it’s the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when the more you think about something, the more you start to pay more attention to it, and you start to see it everywhere. I think it’s more than a coincidence, but who knows. Maybe I’ll see it again soon. And if not, Fuhgeddaboudit.

My therapist asked me how I felt about blogging and I said, honestly, kind of stupid because I feel like no one is reading what I’m writing. But, maybe that’s not the point. She asked what deterred me from writing sometimes, and I answered that it was because I wasn’t any good. She then asked me how I could get any better if I don’t keep writing. Kind of a smack you in the forehead obvious observation, but I was doing the opposite. Writing has always been my passion, whether or not I’m “good” at it. So, I’m going to keep going, for myself.

If anyone is reading this, I hope you are having a wonderful day. 🙂 Whether it be rainy or sunny where you are right now, I hope you are doing something that nourishes your mind and body. We’re all doing the best we can (the next best thing, as Glennon Doyle says), even if it’s storming out. I’m trying really hard to put the work in, and it’s uncomfortable and tires me to my core. The point is I’m trying. Writing like this makes me feel exposed and vulnerable, but also hopeful. If I can communicate my feelings through writing, and sort the things that are going on in my head out with my words, then maybe others will feel supported and encouraged to do the same.

Take care!

58342497532__B72C071F-61F3-46FA-8CC7-2A875D4DCDE6

My Adoption Story

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

giphy-11

So, I’m just going to get right into it. I was adopted when I was just over 8 weeks old (like a puppy- ha!) by two of the most amazing parents a child could ever ask for, who go above and beyond the call of parent duty for me. They spoiled me silly and made sure that I always felt special and loved. I am so so lucky to have been matched up with them.

For my first few weeks of life, I lived with a foster family. They didn’t expect to have me so long and they fell in love with me. It’s easy to do with babies, and apparently I was a pretty cute and happy one. I slept well, I ate well, and didn’t cry too much. My Mom said I was truly a dream baby. Yes, I’m patting myself on the back and praying if I have children they will also be dream babies. A girl can.. dream. 😉

March 11, 1985 is when I met my parents for the first time. My Mom actually said to my Dad on the car ride there, “What if we don’t like her? Can we give her back? What if she doesn’t like us?” Very honest and legitimate questions. It’s scary to bring life into this world, but somehow almost scarier to adopt a child into your life. But are you really any more prepared to be a parent by carrying the baby in your belly? That’s debatable.

I always knew I was adopted. From when I was a little girl, we celebrated my adoption day every year with a small celebration, just the three of us. I remember feeling weird about being adopted for the first time in grade school when one of our projects was to write out the physical traits we had inherited from each parent and I didn’t know how to fill it in. My Mom had to come in and speak with the teacher.

Thoughts of my birth parents come up every so often. I’ve tried to find them, but our adoption is closed and I am only allowed non-identifying information. This includes general health and wellness, physical descriptions of them at the time of the adoption, and traits, hobbies, and achievements. It’s actually very interesting information that I only got when I was 30 years old. I would have to petition the court in order to release their identifying information and even then it’s not a guarantee.

I don’t want to disrupt the life that she rebuilt after she gave me up for adoption. Hopefully she remarried and had more children, which means that I have siblings. That thought is almost to bizarre for me to conceive. I want to meet the people who share my DNA. I just teared up a little bit thinking about that– wow. Oh, and I have been on 23andme and ancestry.com without any luck.

I have questions for her, and more that have come up recently as I consider potentially bringing a child into the world in the next few years. I wonder if my birth mother held me after she birthed me. Did she snuggle me and speak to me softly, telling me everything was going to be okay, and she’d always love me. Or did she look away as the doctors pulled me from her, not wanting to see? I want to know these things, and I can’t even explain why I want to know them. I would understand either way.

My birth mom made an unbelievably selfless choice and I’d really just like to tell her, Thank You. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

 

This Post Is A Long Time Coming…

/ notthatanyoneasked / Leave a comment

giphy-10

I have made so many excuses not to write a blog, because I didn’t know how to start one. Well, the truth is that I still don’t, so, I’m just going to write. Unlike others who have popular blogs, I don’t have children (yet), I don’t travel all over the world, interior decorating is not my forte, and I am not a particularly good cook.

For me, my passions include yoga, lots of sleep, random acts of kindness, and looking at far too many memes to be healthy. There is literally nothing I enjoy more than curling up in bed with a good book or a few reruns of “Friends” on my laptop.

I am notorious for making elaborate plans when I’m in a good mood, and then find I’d rather crawl in a hole than go out on when the day actually comes. Canceled plans secretly thrill me and my bedtime is as close to 10pm as possible, sometimes earlier if I’m lucky. This girl loves her sleep.

Honestly, I haven’t the foggiest idea how to start a personal blog, so I’ll just begin mine with basic transparency. We’ll try to get some of the mundane details out of the way.

I’m in my early thirties, and the only child / adopted daughter of two very wonderful parents. I was born and raised in New England, but have been living in Southwest Florida for the past 4+ years and am happy to call this tropical (admittedly kind of sweaty) paradise home.

My hardworking, charismatic father’s relationship with my overbearing, big-hearted mother is #goals, as they say these days. Ha! (I’m not THAT old!) They are good relationship role models, and I am a very lucky girl, trials and tribulations aside.

I am not married yet, and am in no particular rush. However, admittedly, I’ve got a little bit of the baby fever. This is most likely a biological desire. Everyone and their mother (pun intended) is having babies right now at this phase in my life.

Been meaning to start a blog for an extraordinarily long amount of time, but always made excuses. I figured, who would want to read what I have to say? And do I really want anyone to read my ramblings?

Like I said, I don’t have cute babies to blog about, I’m not model, a gourmet chef, or master crafter. My passions include a semi-respectable yoga practice, listening to music, going to the beach, and sleeping.

So, here we are…

I feel like with blogging, I walk a fine line between being vulnerable and over-sharing. This is not a line I straddle confidently, but I guess that’s part of the challenge.

With reluctance and without further a-do, I begin this blog.

I guess we can only see where it goes…

IMG_9166